Lawyers jokes

"Lawyers typically aren't funny -- unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...
  1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

  2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

  3. Q: What happened then?
    A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
    Q: Did he kill you?

  4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

  5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

  6. Were you alone or by yourself.

  7. How long have you been a French Canadian?

  8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

  9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
    A: That's me.
    Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

  10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

  11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

  12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
    A: I'll be three months on November 8.
    Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
    A: Yes.
    Q: What were you doing at that time?

  13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
    A: I used to be.
    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

  14. So you were gone until you returned?

  15. Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes.
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None.
    Q: Were there girls?

  16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

  17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

  18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
    A: Not yet.

  19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

  20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
    A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
    Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
    A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

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Last modified 13:20PM 08/2/95 Created by John Neystadt