Not Your Usual Calor Chart

Question:
Does anyone have any information on how much calories are burned by various sexual activities? This may be the best physical exercise to lose weight!
Answer:

ACTIVITY.......................CALORIES BURNED ACTIVITY.......................CALORIES BURNED
  • REMOVING CLOTHES:
    • With partner's consent.............12
    • Without partner's consent......187
  • UNHOOKING BRA:
    • Using two calm hands...............7
    • Using one trembling hand........36
  • GETTING INTO BED:
    • Lifting partner...........................15
    • Dragging partner along floor......16
    • Using skateboard.......................3
  • ACHIEVING ERECTIONS:
    • For normal healthy man........2.5
    • Losing erection.....................14
    • Searching for it...................115
  • PUTTING ON CONDOM:
    • With erection....................1.5
    • Without erection...............300
  • INSERTING DIAPHRAGM:
    • If the woman who does it is
      • Experienced.......................6
      • Inexperienced...................73
      • If a man does it...............680
    • Add (5) calories for retreiving it from accross the room.
  • POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:
    • Italian- Man on top, woman in kitchen.........................26
    • Russian- Woman on bottom,
    • Man getting permission..........55
    • American- Both on top...........60
  • POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE:
    • Bouncing.........................7
    • Sliding around...................9
    • Serious skidding................12
    • Whiplash........................27
  • ORGASM:
    • Real............................27
    • Faked..........................160
  • ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
    • Shoes flew off............35
    • Expression didn't change.........1/2
    • Orchestra swelled.................6
    • Birds sang
      • Large birds......................7
      • Small birds......................3
    • Earth moved......................30
  • PULLING OUT:
    • After orgasm.....................1/2
    • A few moments before orgasm......500
  • PENIS ENVY:
    • For woman..........................3
    • For men...........................72
  • GUILT:
    • Despite no formal training, orgasm comes easily, naturally............53
    • You're enjoying sex, despite the fact that other people are starving...........................2
    • Sex on your lunch hour.............3
    • Putting it on expense account....20
  • AGGRAVATION:
    • Partner keeps showing plants.......5
    • Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay...................14
    • Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time..........................10
    • Partner is taking phone calls......7
    • Partner is making phone calls.....40
  • GETTING CAUGHT:
    • By partner's spouse...............60
    • By your spouse...................100
    • Trying to explain.................55
    • Trying to remain calm............100
    • Leaping out of bed................75
    • Getting dressed in one motion....500
    • Thanking partner quickly...........2


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Last modified 22:30PM 07/23/95 Created by John Neystadt